The internet (as a whole) is soul sucking right now – for a variety of reasons – so I’ve been spending a lot of time in my personal life.

Doing puzzles.

Playing games.

Day drinking at the apple orchard with friends.

Having a legendary 3-day weekend at the beach.

Last week, I even chaperoned a field trip with my son’s 2nd grade class to some caves.

It was the first time they got to take a bus.

I didn’t realize how intoxicating that would be for 7 + 8 year olds.

It wasn’t even a school bus.

It was one of those small charter buses you take to the airport.

That didn’t seem to matter.

I wish I could share the video of them getting on + off with you.

The conversations were priceless.

Luckily, the parents had to drive themselves + meet the bus there, which gave me 40 mins. to gab with my friend without prying ears.

I’m not sure if I won any “Chaperone of The Year” awards.

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First there was the bathroom debacle.

As soon as we got there, the teacher asked me to take whoever needed to go to the bathroom - basically the whole class.

I stupidly asked the first girl + boy who went up the stairs to the bathroom how many stalls there were in each, so I could keep the rest of them lined up and somewhat out of the way of visitors. Both said 4.

The boy was the 5’5 14-year-old-looking “genius” who somehow passes for a 2nd grader 🤷‍♀️who loves to fuck with people – kids + adults. I should have known.

Same kid that told my son kittens are satanic + Santa isn’t real; it’s just your mom.

I should have known better than to take his word.

So yeah, I basically sent just about the whole class of boys to the bathroom in fours before my son informed me that there was only ONE restroom. 😯

I went in and looked… not that I didn’t believe him… but because the “genius” was still standing there, telling me there were FOUR bathrooms, and that my son can’t count and doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Sure enough… one bathroom… with a toilet, right next to a urinal. No stalls.

They all peed right next to each other in pairs... and didn’t say a word.

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Then there was the stair debacle.

No one bothered to tell me or my son that we were walking down a steel, spiral staircase with 260 tiny, totally open stairs.

I’m not only terrified of heights, but I’ve been struggling with an awful case of vertigo because of an inner ear issue.

I almost had to crawl out of the elevator last weekend at the hotel we stayed in at the beach.

What is this gonna be like?

I was zoning in + out of panic, trying to avoid eye contact with my son, who I knew was equally panicking, as the docent gave her spiel, but I popped right back in as she said…

I had to think fast; my son was already starting the sentence “I’m not goi…” and his 2 friends who I was put in charge of were starting to debate if we were gonna die.

The best I could come up with was to declare that I’d be the very last adult… bringing up the caboose. I knew we had to go single file, so I figured the 2 boys would keep up with the group, and my son + I would be able to go at a snail’s pace.

Four steps in, and every 7 steps after that, my son told me he’s “DONE!”

The pep talks got a little easier when the sales pitch was, “We would walk the same amount of steps back up as we would if we kept going to the bottom… and at the bottom is something really cool; at the top is a really gross bathroom that's been peed all over by 2nd graders.”

His panic helped me suck it the fuck-up + power through like a mom does when she needs to.

I might have lost all contact with the 2 boys I was supposed to be watching… arrived at the bottom almost 20 mins. after they did… and had to have my friend basically hold me like a drunk from the staircase to one of the benches… but we made it!

And it was breathtaking at the bottom.

They showed us all these cool optical illusions + depth perception tricks in total darkness. I wanted to stay down there all day… not only so I didn’t have to walk back up… but also because it was so centering down there.

Eventually, it was time to crawl back up the corkscrew they call stairs.

This time, the docent had to be the last one up.

Poor thing.

Instead of listening to my kid quit every 7 steps, I spent the hike back asking her all the questions that ran through my head, but didn’t seem appropriate during the Q & A session.

We covered everything from idiots dropping things down the cave to if they allow sleepovers in them to why they took out the ziplining… you know, all the important shit.

Guess who didn’t have an opportunity to quit? Yup, MY SON!

He’s used to my line of questioning, so it kept him entertained + distracted.

We might have molested every square inch of that staircase’s railings…. taken so long that they had to escort us through a secret passage that spit us out in the gift shop so we didn’t interfere with the next tour starting on time… and gotten back to the picnic area when everyone was already halfway done with their lunch… but we made it! And I have a lot more fun facts about the place because of it.

I never want to do it again… the staircase… not the chaperoning, but it was worth every step + every sore muscle for the next 3 days.

I’m so proud of myself, not only for conquering the staircase but even more for making the choices I want right damn NOW, rather than waiting for a time when it’s OK to indulge in all the beautiful life I’m working to enjoy.

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Here’s my health + happiness PSA.

Take time off.

Unplug.

Focus on your personal happiness.

There’s still bottomless barrels of it to be had… even in this divisive, soul-sucking time in history.

Rest.

Laugh.

Reflect.

Do things you genuinely enjoy… even if it takes you 260 steps to get there.

Putting your health + happiness first will make every step of this healing process worth it!

If you need a pep talk, you know where to find me – poorly policing the bathroom line.

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To spending a lot more time in your personal life,

Dre ‘The Worst Chaperone Of The Year’ Beltrami

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Tell me, this wouldn't make for a fabulous underground bunker?? 😍